30 Days of Thankfulness - The Finale

Day 30:  How to sum up this 30 Days of Thankfulness thing.  Well, first, thank you to all those that have stomached the past 29 days of thankfulness.  I know there are some out there that find these posts to be annoying (or worse), and that’s okay.  I find many posts on Facebook by others annoying or worse as well!  I have tried not to hurt anyone else’s feelings while still being true to myself and to those reading.  Sometimes it can’t be avoided.  I have put off this most weighty issue all month, for several months, really, and have debated all night and morning on whether I should post it at all.  But, I am truly trying to be true to myself and to everyone else, and this, unfortunately, is just part of my life.  I am thankful, however, for the lessons learned from these most difficult things.     

Grieving a death is so innately personal, so real, so raw.  Each person that lost Richard has suffered a unique loss all his/her own.  My loss and pain is obviously inherently different from that of Macy, his mother, other daughters, brothers, and closest friends. We have each grieved and continue to grieve for him in different ways.  There are some that may feel that I haven’t grieved for him long enough or deeply enough, that I have just turned the page and moved on with my life.  While it may appear that way from the outside, it couldn’t be further from the truth.  The reality is that I still miss him every day.  I miss his voice, his laugh, his ornery nature, his crankiness, his sarcasm, his touch, his love, everything.  I still wish he’d walk through the door and complain about the messy house and the dogs - the dogs that he would express to everyone else that he was so annoyed we had them, but that he spoiled and spent more “lap time” with than anyone else.  No one else in the house made them home cooked meals, that’s for sure!  And I would do anything to bring back the father to his children, the son to his mother.  No mother should ever have to bury a child, and although it is the natural progression for a child to bury his/her parents, all three of his daughters were far too young to have to do that when they did.  But, I can’t bring him back.  God knows there were days, weeks, that I begged for him to be able to come back.  But, that’s not ever going to happen.  The only thing I can do is keep his memory alive to Macy and never let her forget just how much he absolutely adored her.  The only other thing I can do is try to be happy and create a happy environment for Macy to finish growing up in.  I feel fortunate that I have been able move in the direction of happiness.  I know without a doubt that Richard would want that for me and for Macy.  I know he knew my heart, and that I loved him with all of it.  

I said on Day 29 that I was thankful to be able to enjoy reading again.  I’m also thankful for Pinterest, which has lead me to so many books and other words of inspiration.  There are a few quotes that have helped me along through this journey.  One is about grieving, by Jeanette Waterson, author of “Written on the Body.”  Although it is a novel and not a “self-help” type of book, there are powerful words that I believe ring true.  They are: 

"To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?"      

While I have been able to move forward in my life, there will always be a hole in my heart in the shape of Richard, and no one else could ever fit it.  And I would never want anyone to.  He was a gift to my life that could never be replaced, and I was truly fortunate to have his love for the 14 years, 3 months and 2 days that he was in my life.  

With that said, I do want to be happy.  I turned 39 years old the day he died.  Statistically speaking, I have a lot of years ahead of me to survive, and I now want to survive well.  That wasn’t the case for the first six to seven months after he died.  I had no desire to survive at all. But, I’m still here, and I don’t have any guilt about wanting that now, because I know neither God nor Richard have/had any desire for me to remain on this earth for the rest of my years sad and lonely and lacking the desire to enjoy life.  And I absolutely know that is what my daughter needs.  A huge wake up call for me - the day Macy said to me, “I want my Mom back even more than I want my Dad back.”  I don’t think she meant it exactly like that, but when I asked her what she meant, she said, “I want things to go back like they were before.”  When I told her that wasn’t possible, she said, “I want you to be like you were before, when you were happy.”  Those words were powerful, and just what I needed at that time to start getting my act together with regard to being in the land of the living again.  She didn’t just want for me to be happy, she needed me to be happy, and I owe it to her to be happy and show her that she can be happy too, regardless of what else is in store for her life.  I’m so thankful for Macy.  

I didn’t have any idea at that time that only a few weeks later, a friend from high school would be popping back into my life.  We had caught up with each other on Facebook a couple years before, meaning the usual, “I have 3 kids/I have 1 kid” kind of catching up.  And because he liked to laugh and joke on Facebook like I do, we would occasionally comment on each other’s posts. I made fun of his “hillbilly ways” a lot.  The day after Richard died, he sent me a short condolence message, just as many of my Facebook friends did.  In March, he hit me up with a Words with Friends game, and I thought, “This hillbilly is about to get trampled!”  As it turns out, he almost beat me.  Almost!!  It took a good 7-8 games before he finally succeeded (at least that’s how I remember it!), and it was friendly competitive jabs about our WwF games over the next few weeks that eventually lead to some real conversations, where we found that we were both healing from losses in one way or another.  Looking back, I believe that I was brought to him to help heal him every bit as much as he was brought to me to help heal me.  And let’s face it, when a guy tells you he’s had a crush on you for over 20 years, how can a girl not make that “dream date” come true - HA!  His Dad said he knew we both had a crush on each other back in high school.  I would NEVER admit that was true. :)  After all, I was a Senior when he was a Sophomore, and I was always interested in the older guys.  (Gee, is it any wonder I ended up with Richard?!)  In all seriousness, though, I’m thankful for this second chance at love.  He is kind, strong yet gentle, cocky yet humble, and he loves me, and I am thankful for that love.  I am thankful that Macy loves him and that he loves her as well.  I was surprised that this love came along, and I’ve been equally surprised that it has worked out, but we are forging our way together, and I’m more and more thankful for that every day.      

This love, though, has come at a cost.  I have lost much of Richard’s family because of it, and that has been very, very painful.  I wish they could understand that my love for someone new is so separate from the love I had and will always have for Richard.  I wish it didn’t hurt them that I have found new love, that they didn't take that as a betrayal.  I can't understand it, because I'm not on the other side of it.  All I know is that it has been incredibly painful to be cut out of their lives, almost as painful as Richard’s death, and in some ways even more, because I know that Richard didn’t leave me by choice, and this is by choice.  I did not see it coming at all.  I guess I should have, but I didn’t.  I didn’t think they would be thrilled about the news, but I never thought it would mean that I’m no longer considered part of a family that I had been a part of for almost 15 years.  This was not a case where there was a bitter divorce, so I never imagined that my moving on would be a deal breaker for being a part of the family.  My love for them did not end simply because I began to love another man, just as my love for Richard did not end.  I am so sorry that they have been hurt by this.  I can only hope that time will help to heal us all, and that we can come back together someday, if for no one else’s sake than Macy’s.  She doesn’t deserve to have a broken family, and it is difficult for her to be truly happy around them when she knows her Mom has been left out.  She has only ever known us as a family, all of us, not just part of us.  This has been the most unfair to her, and I hate that more than anything.  

This pain has certainly put a cloud over moving forward in happiness.  It is difficult to be happy when you know that your own happiness is causing others pain, especially when you love them and want them to be happy as well.  It has been my own personal faith and positive words from people like Joel Osteen that have helped me to realize, though, that I shouldn’t allow someone else’s disapproval control my happiness.  I discussed on Day 4 of these 30 Days of Thankfulness, Joel Osteen’s message about a “no-stick anointing.” In his sermon, he said such simple words, but these words lifted the biggest weight off my shoulders hindering happiness from truly occurring.  To sum them up, they were simply this:

Not everyone, not even some in your family, can be happy for you.  Not everyone can understand you and your good intentions.  And that’s okay. You are only responsible for your own happiness, you are not responsible for anybody else’s happiness.  And you only need God’s approval. 

I'm trying to live by this.  I have that message saved on my DVR, and I go back to it often as a reminder when I’m starting to fall back into that pain and hurt.  I know God is watching over me and Macy, and I know that God placed Brandon in our lives for good things, and that we were placed into his life for good things as well.  I am trying not to beat myself up anymore over trying to be happy.  I can’t change the fact that I went out on that first date when I did.  It was the right time for me, and after Macy met him, she was fully on board and continues to be.  If she hadn’t been, we wouldn’t be together today.  I am thankful that it has worked out the way it has, I only wish it hadn't broken the bond I had with Richard's family.  

It’s difficult to try and wrap up my 30 Days of Thankfulness to where it can be smoothly and neatly packaged.  In fact, I think that’s impossible. Some may wonder how all of the above even fits into my 30 Days of Thankfulness at all.  But, it is these hardships that cause me to be even more thankful for what I have.  Every situation, occurrence, event, etc., has helped me to grow.  They have humbled me, and caused me to realize how powerful words are, both positive and negative, and to choose my words wisely, for they can never be taken back.  They have taught me that being brutally honest can be just that - brutal.  And, that’s not always the best thing.  I’ve learned that it’s okay and probably even better for me and others to believe what I believe about religion, politics, morality, parenting, etc., somewhat quietly.  

I am thankful that I have finally learned true empathy, and I’m trying harder and harder each day to remember and practice that.  That silly old Plato is credited for saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  I’m thankful to all those that have reached out to me even while they were fighting their own battles.  The gift of kindness is truly one of the best gifts you could ever bestow on another.  I am thankful for the immense amount of kindness extended my way, and I hope to pay it forward for the rest of my days.          

I have a mother, two brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins that I know without a doubt love me unconditionally.  For that, I am thankful.  I had 14 years, 3 months and 2 days with one of the most incredible men to ever be placed on this earth.  For that I am thankful.  I have the most awesome kid on earth.  For that, I am thankful.  I have some truly incredible friends that no matter how many years or miles are between us, will always be my friends.  For that, I am thankful.  And I have a new man that loves me and wants to be with me, even with all my flaws.  I’m thankful for that.  That’s a lot to be thankful for.    

My Greatest Gift to Macy

Every year, we have always strived to make our girls’ Christmas a good one and to get them what they wanted when we could.  Now, Carly and Kari are grown, so no more fun little girl things for them, but Macy still makes her list of toys and games.

This year, I didn’t want to disappoint, and I probably went overboard in making sure she got most of the things on her list, with the hope that this would in some way take away some of the sting of this first Christmas without her Dad.  However, while checking out her list and shopping, it dawned on me that the best gift I could ever give her had already occurred before she was even born.  It was her father.  

In the early days as I first began to get to know Richard, it was his cockiness and sense of adventure that drew me to him.  He had the charm and confidence that most rock stars carry, which I guess is why he was so attractive even without a professional athlete’s height or movie star’s overall good looks.  We had a blast that first year, traveling and going to concerts and just laughing no matter where we were or what we did.  However, as time passed and we became more serious, it was his relationship with all of the women in his life that made me know that he was a good man.  He had above and beyond positive, loving relationships with his mother, his two daughters, and his ex-wife.  It was clear that his love for each of them was unconditional and immeasurable.  Seeing all of these relationships was pretty amazing, and it made the decision to build a life with him an easy one.  Not to mention that he was actually willing to do so, and believe me, he let me know on numerous occasions throughout that there was no other man on this earth that would!  I’m pretty sure Mom and my brothers would unfortunately whole-heartedly agree, as they constantly thanked him in front of me!

After we got married, we had no plans for a baby.  In fact, I did not believe that I could have children and was almost 12 weeks along before I realized I was pregnant.  I was starting to think I had a something wrong with me because my stomach hardened and I hadn’t been doing any sit-ups!  When I came home from the doctor to tell Richard, I told him I had good news and bad news and asked which he wanted first.  He chose the good, so I informed him that I had just found out that I could get pregnant.   The bad news - that I was.  He sat stunned for a couple of minutes before finally smiling, and we were both happy about the news from that moment on.  In fact, even though we had agreed to wait a couple of days to let it sink in before telling everyone, he called his mom that day to share the news.  

Of course, from that moment on, he made sure to tell everyone that he had been tricked into marrying me because I had said I couldn’t have children.   Constantly, he would be telling friends and family, “You think you’ve got it bad?  I got married under FALSE PRETENSES, now I’m traaaaaaapped!”  For him, that joke never got old.           

“Trapped” or not, he was a hands-on Dad to Macy in every way from the very first moment.  Arriving 2½ months early and spending 32 days in the NICU, she was “high maintenance” from her first breath.  Richard was working in Hot Springs when I unexpectedly went into labor on Superbowl Sunday with an ice storm just having happened in Hot Springs.  He made the long drive home on the ice arriving in the middle of the night, she was delivered a few hours later, and he was by our side at the hospital the entire week afterwards.  After that, he made the long drive home every single weekend to see and take care of his girls.  It was exhausting for him to do, but that became his way of life once she was born.  He changed diapers, fed her, bathed her, dressed her, rocked her, got up with her during the night, and was fully capable of taking care of her on his own.  He even took Macy to Hot Springs for a week the following year so that I could work.  And every Spring Break from then on, Macy was with Richard whether I could make it or not.

During the Fall when he was home, he picked her up from school every day, took her to basketball practice, played basketball with her, rode bikes and otherwise entertained her.  She was a regular visitor to the backside of the racetrack with him, which she loved.  They went to movies often, and he taught her to bowl, fish, ice skate, ride her bike, swim, cook, everything a child loves to do, he did it.  And he always shared his life lessons and tidbits of the “Richard McNaughton wisdom.”  He, of course, was NOT the disciplinarian, which I think was the case with all of his daughters, and I’m sure this was fine with them!  He would hear Macy and me arguing and me getting frustrated with her, and I would get, “You’re going to have to learn how to get along with her.  I’m not going to be here forever and it’ll just be you two!”  I was annoyed each time he would say that, and would tell him to go discipline her himself.  He would laugh and tell me it was ALL my fault because I was the one with her every day year-round, and that it was too late for him to “undo all the damage.”  That always went over REALLY well.

While discipline may have been lacking from him,  pride in and love for his daughters was not.  He was absolutely the dad I wish every child could have, certainly the type of father I never had.  Everything he did was for the sake of his daughters, his mom, and me.  And even beyond that, he was just so cool, such a character, such a larger than life presence.  And he couldn’t have been more proud of his girls’ accomplishments, from good grades to getting good jobs to athletic achievements, and, of course, he took full credit for their “smarts,” athleticism, good looks and great personalities!  His confidence was like no other, and yet there was no real conceitedness in it.  What better gift could I give my daughter than Richard as her father?  Nothing will ever compare.  

I am positive that I will never understand why he had to be taken away from her as a little girl.  He was a man that loved being a father and took the responsibility seriously in a world where there are so many men that don't.  I struggle a lot with the belief that “everything happens for a reason” because what possible reason could there be for taking her Daddy away, and especially in the manner that he was taken, and the way she had to find him?  No warning, no chance to say goodbye.  I can only hope that she is not so young that his memory fades to the point that she is unable to fully comprehend what a gift he truly was, and that she couldn’t have had any better father.  

She turned 10 last Saturday.  It’s still hard to believe that he’s not here knowing how much he will miss out on, and how very much we miss and need him.   I’m sad he won’t be here to see her grow up, and that she won’t have him to guide her and instill that same confidence as she gets older.  She looks so much like him.  She has his eyes, but most importantly, she has his  heart.  

There’s a saying that women end up marrying men just like their father.  Fortunately for me, that didn’t turn out to be the case for me.  But for Macy, I can only hope that she’ll be that lucky.  Richard constantly reminded me that I was “the luckiest girl on earth.”  For 14 years, I really was......