Day 30: How to sum up this 30 Days of Thankfulness thing. Well, first, thank you to all those that have stomached the past 29 days of thankfulness. I know there are some out there that find these posts to be annoying (or worse), and that’s okay. I find many posts on Facebook by others annoying or worse as well! I have tried not to hurt anyone else’s feelings while still being true to myself and to those reading. Sometimes it can’t be avoided. I have put off this most weighty issue all month, for several months, really, and have debated all night and morning on whether I should post it at all. But, I am truly trying to be true to myself and to everyone else, and this, unfortunately, is just part of my life. I am thankful, however, for the lessons learned from these most difficult things.
Grieving a death is so innately personal, so real, so raw. Each person that lost Richard has suffered a unique loss all his/her own. My loss and pain is obviously inherently different from that of Macy, his mother, other daughters, brothers, and closest friends. We have each grieved and continue to grieve for him in different ways. There are some that may feel that I haven’t grieved for him long enough or deeply enough, that I have just turned the page and moved on with my life. While it may appear that way from the outside, it couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is that I still miss him every day. I miss his voice, his laugh, his ornery nature, his crankiness, his sarcasm, his touch, his love, everything. I still wish he’d walk through the door and complain about the messy house and the dogs - the dogs that he would express to everyone else that he was so annoyed we had them, but that he spoiled and spent more “lap time” with than anyone else. No one else in the house made them home cooked meals, that’s for sure! And I would do anything to bring back the father to his children, the son to his mother. No mother should ever have to bury a child, and although it is the natural progression for a child to bury his/her parents, all three of his daughters were far too young to have to do that when they did. But, I can’t bring him back. God knows there were days, weeks, that I begged for him to be able to come back. But, that’s not ever going to happen. The only thing I can do is keep his memory alive to Macy and never let her forget just how much he absolutely adored her. The only other thing I can do is try to be happy and create a happy environment for Macy to finish growing up in. I feel fortunate that I have been able move in the direction of happiness. I know without a doubt that Richard would want that for me and for Macy. I know he knew my heart, and that I loved him with all of it.
I said on Day 29 that I was thankful to be able to enjoy reading again. I’m also thankful for Pinterest, which has lead me to so many books and other words of inspiration. There are a few quotes that have helped me along through this journey. One is about grieving, by Jeanette Waterson, author of “Written on the Body.” Although it is a novel and not a “self-help” type of book, there are powerful words that I believe ring true. They are:
"To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?"
While I have been able to move forward in my life, there will always be a hole in my heart in the shape of Richard, and no one else could ever fit it. And I would never want anyone to. He was a gift to my life that could never be replaced, and I was truly fortunate to have his love for the 14 years, 3 months and 2 days that he was in my life.
With that said, I do want to be happy. I turned 39 years old the day he died. Statistically speaking, I have a lot of years ahead of me to survive, and I now want to survive well. That wasn’t the case for the first six to seven months after he died. I had no desire to survive at all. But, I’m still here, and I don’t have any guilt about wanting that now, because I know neither God nor Richard have/had any desire for me to remain on this earth for the rest of my years sad and lonely and lacking the desire to enjoy life. And I absolutely know that is what my daughter needs. A huge wake up call for me - the day Macy said to me, “I want my Mom back even more than I want my Dad back.” I don’t think she meant it exactly like that, but when I asked her what she meant, she said, “I want things to go back like they were before.” When I told her that wasn’t possible, she said, “I want you to be like you were before, when you were happy.” Those words were powerful, and just what I needed at that time to start getting my act together with regard to being in the land of the living again. She didn’t just want for me to be happy, she needed me to be happy, and I owe it to her to be happy and show her that she can be happy too, regardless of what else is in store for her life. I’m so thankful for Macy.
I didn’t have any idea at that time that only a few weeks later, a friend from high school would be popping back into my life. We had caught up with each other on Facebook a couple years before, meaning the usual, “I have 3 kids/I have 1 kid” kind of catching up. And because he liked to laugh and joke on Facebook like I do, we would occasionally comment on each other’s posts. I made fun of his “hillbilly ways” a lot. The day after Richard died, he sent me a short condolence message, just as many of my Facebook friends did. In March, he hit me up with a Words with Friends game, and I thought, “This hillbilly is about to get trampled!” As it turns out, he almost beat me. Almost!! It took a good 7-8 games before he finally succeeded (at least that’s how I remember it!), and it was friendly competitive jabs about our WwF games over the next few weeks that eventually lead to some real conversations, where we found that we were both healing from losses in one way or another. Looking back, I believe that I was brought to him to help heal him every bit as much as he was brought to me to help heal me. And let’s face it, when a guy tells you he’s had a crush on you for over 20 years, how can a girl not make that “dream date” come true - HA! His Dad said he knew we both had a crush on each other back in high school. I would NEVER admit that was true. :) After all, I was a Senior when he was a Sophomore, and I was always interested in the older guys. (Gee, is it any wonder I ended up with Richard?!) In all seriousness, though, I’m thankful for this second chance at love. He is kind, strong yet gentle, cocky yet humble, and he loves me, and I am thankful for that love. I am thankful that Macy loves him and that he loves her as well. I was surprised that this love came along, and I’ve been equally surprised that it has worked out, but we are forging our way together, and I’m more and more thankful for that every day.
This love, though, has come at a cost. I have lost much of Richard’s family because of it, and that has been very, very painful. I wish they could understand that my love for someone new is so separate from the love I had and will always have for Richard. I wish it didn’t hurt them that I have found new love, that they didn't take that as a betrayal. I can't understand it, because I'm not on the other side of it. All I know is that it has been incredibly painful to be cut out of their lives, almost as painful as Richard’s death, and in some ways even more, because I know that Richard didn’t leave me by choice, and this is by choice. I did not see it coming at all. I guess I should have, but I didn’t. I didn’t think they would be thrilled about the news, but I never thought it would mean that I’m no longer considered part of a family that I had been a part of for almost 15 years. This was not a case where there was a bitter divorce, so I never imagined that my moving on would be a deal breaker for being a part of the family. My love for them did not end simply because I began to love another man, just as my love for Richard did not end. I am so sorry that they have been hurt by this. I can only hope that time will help to heal us all, and that we can come back together someday, if for no one else’s sake than Macy’s. She doesn’t deserve to have a broken family, and it is difficult for her to be truly happy around them when she knows her Mom has been left out. She has only ever known us as a family, all of us, not just part of us. This has been the most unfair to her, and I hate that more than anything.
This pain has certainly put a cloud over moving forward in happiness. It is difficult to be happy when you know that your own happiness is causing others pain, especially when you love them and want them to be happy as well. It has been my own personal faith and positive words from people like Joel Osteen that have helped me to realize, though, that I shouldn’t allow someone else’s disapproval control my happiness. I discussed on Day 4 of these 30 Days of Thankfulness, Joel Osteen’s message about a “no-stick anointing.” In his sermon, he said such simple words, but these words lifted the biggest weight off my shoulders hindering happiness from truly occurring. To sum them up, they were simply this:
Not everyone, not even some in your family, can be happy for you. Not everyone can understand you and your good intentions. And that’s okay. You are only responsible for your own happiness, you are not responsible for anybody else’s happiness. And you only need God’s approval.
I'm trying to live by this. I have that message saved on my DVR, and I go back to it often as a reminder when I’m starting to fall back into that pain and hurt. I know God is watching over me and Macy, and I know that God placed Brandon in our lives for good things, and that we were placed into his life for good things as well. I am trying not to beat myself up anymore over trying to be happy. I can’t change the fact that I went out on that first date when I did. It was the right time for me, and after Macy met him, she was fully on board and continues to be. If she hadn’t been, we wouldn’t be together today. I am thankful that it has worked out the way it has, I only wish it hadn't broken the bond I had with Richard's family.
It’s difficult to try and wrap up my 30 Days of Thankfulness to where it can be smoothly and neatly packaged. In fact, I think that’s impossible. Some may wonder how all of the above even fits into my 30 Days of Thankfulness at all. But, it is these hardships that cause me to be even more thankful for what I have. Every situation, occurrence, event, etc., has helped me to grow. They have humbled me, and caused me to realize how powerful words are, both positive and negative, and to choose my words wisely, for they can never be taken back. They have taught me that being brutally honest can be just that - brutal. And, that’s not always the best thing. I’ve learned that it’s okay and probably even better for me and others to believe what I believe about religion, politics, morality, parenting, etc., somewhat quietly.
I am thankful that I have finally learned true empathy, and I’m trying harder and harder each day to remember and practice that. That silly old Plato is credited for saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I’m thankful to all those that have reached out to me even while they were fighting their own battles. The gift of kindness is truly one of the best gifts you could ever bestow on another. I am thankful for the immense amount of kindness extended my way, and I hope to pay it forward for the rest of my days.
I have a mother, two brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins that I know without a doubt love me unconditionally. For that, I am thankful. I had 14 years, 3 months and 2 days with one of the most incredible men to ever be placed on this earth. For that I am thankful. I have the most awesome kid on earth. For that, I am thankful. I have some truly incredible friends that no matter how many years or miles are between us, will always be my friends. For that, I am thankful. And I have a new man that loves me and wants to be with me, even with all my flaws. I’m thankful for that. That’s a lot to be thankful for.
