Okay, 30 days of thankfulness, day 1: I'm thankful for the coolest, strongest, most optimistic, loving and kind child I could have ever imagined to have, especially after learning at 23 there probably would be no baby in my future. What an awesome surprise she was. She was born a survivor at only 2 pounds and change, and then survived an event no child should have to endure, especially at only 9 years old. She's a true survivor in body and spirit. And she continues to smile, every day. That keeps me going. I love you, Macy.
Day 2: I'm thankful for the 14 years, 3 months and 2 days I had with him. He was such a rock star, so much larger than life, and such a gift to my life and so many others. He made everything more lively, more fun. A great husband, and the best dad I could ever want for Macy. I'm so thankful to have had his love.
Day 3: I'm thankful that the dark days are now outnumbered by brighter days, and that although they still sneakily creep in silently and then hit me with large force, sometimes knocking me down and beating me up quite a bit, I know that better days are ahead. Last year at this time, I wasn't up for 30 days of thankfulness. So, I'm thankful for the gift of time. I could have, however, done without the aging a decade during that year - ha! Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter, but I'm thankful a little at least! :)
Day 4: I began writing about being thankful for today’s message of Joel Osteen, but it turned more into a journal or blog entry, which have been too personal and painful to post lately. Perhaps I’ll be able to remove myself from them a little and make them more appropriate to post soon, but for now, I’ll keep them tucked away. So, I’ll just say that after growing up in the era of Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, I tend to be skeptical of TV evangelicals, but I have really come to appreciate Joel Osteen’s messages to encourage and uplift people, and to bring people together rather than being divisive with particular political statements and moral judgments. His message today was about a “no stick anointing,” and being able to let negative words, actions, rejection or judgement against you slide off rather than letting them stick and affecting your future, and that you only need God’s approval. His words were not particularly new, but he went into detail as if he knew the exact circumstances of my life, and they were words I needed to hear. So, I’m thankful my TV was properly tuned to hear his message this morning.
Day 5: If she can no longer go on outings with her Dad, I'm glad she has Brandon to go with. Yesterday, she went on her first deer hunt, "on the look out" as she put it. He cooks, cleans and has never once asked me to get a sitter. Of course, she says, "Duh, because I'm awesome!" He loves us both. How could I not be thankful for that?
Day 6: [Previous post on FB: "I voted early (by absentee vote). Pretty sure it was the first time I've ever been early for anything."] Speaking of being early to vote. I’m thankful that Macy has yet to have a single tardy this year, all because she’s been forced to ride the bus. This sure beats the 44 tardies she had last year because she knew I’d take her whenever she finally decided to get up and get ready, which resulted in 186 days of arguing and 186 bad starts to days last year as well as the 186 days of school in first, second and third grade years’ prior! When I’m finally able to buy a home again, a prerequisite will be that the school bus makes a stop at that house! Here’s to no tardies, and to steal a term from my friend, Marshall O., "BOOM," go school buses!!
Day 7: I had to step away from Facebook after the election due to all of the hatred spewing. I’m thankful for the right to vote and take it very seriously. But, I’m even more thankful that this election is over. I would never, ever, ever want the job of President. Like, ever.
Day 8: Still a lot of hatred spewing. I’m thankful for the right to free speech, but I’m even more thankful that over the years, I have learned that less is truly more in most cases. I’ve learned that words can be more painful than any weapon, and the scars from those words can be much deeper and long lasting than any physical injury causes. When it comes to political beliefs, I’ve learned that there is not much point in offending half of the population around me, and that anything I say is highly unlikely to change the mind of that other half, especially if it is said in a hateful or demeaning manner. I am thankful that I have begun to think first before saying anything and everything that comes to mind. I will admit, it has taken me a few years to get there, and I still occasionally slip..... :)
Day 9: I am thankful that most of the hatred spewing has died down, and thankful for all of my Facebook friends, even if some have yet to learn the “less is more” lesson from Day 8!!!! Haha! Peace out............ ? ?
Day 10: I'm thankful for being able to enjoy the simple things again, like Macy having a sleepover, making breakfast together, and an afternoon at the bowling alley. Even if we all four need to Bumper Bowl!!! — with Macy, Angel & Brandon at Fast Lanes.
Day 11: Back to some serious things, I'm thankful for my family and everything they've done for us this past 15 months. I've talked to my brother, Keith, more during the past 15 months than we've talked since we lived under the same roof, and that was probably more fighting than talking - ha! And my brother, Steve, has always been my substitute Dad. He literally held me up when I went in to view Richard, and has been holding me up most of my life. It's been so awesome to have both of my brothers calling me almost weekly to check on me and Macy. They loved Richard as their own brother, and it meant the world to me to have that type of acceptance of him into my family.
And then there's my Mom, that has felt every ounce of pain and hurt that Macy and I have felt, because that’s just the type of Mom and Grandma that she is, and would have done anything on earth to take away that pain. Her heart broke along with ours, and I know she endured many sleepless nights with worry and sorrow. She would have given her own life to bring Richard back. She has been there for us and helped us in every way possible, and I can’t imagine having to go through the past 15 months without her. Thank you, Mom, for everything. I love you.
Day 12: I’m thankful that after 3 years, a doctor finally said it wasn’t just a fluke, or normal, or even okay for me to be walking around with blood pressure of 168/112 all of the time. I’ve been on a new medication for 5 days now, and I have to do a double-take at the BP cuff machine with BP readings almost being perfect. I was beginning to think I would never see that again, and I already feel so much better. That is HUGE.
Day 13: On a lighter note, I’m thankful for television and the invention of the DVR. It has always been a favorite go-to “companion” of mine, but for the first six months after his death, it was my main “companion.” I didn’t have to say anything for my companion to communicate with me. I didn’t have to get dressed, do my hair or put on makeup, because my companion didn’t care what I looked like. My companion didn’t care if I happened to doze off while it was talking to me, or if I broke down crying while it was talking, as it was always happy to rewind and restate whatever I missed. It was just there, 24/7, with unconditional love and without a single expectation in return. Sometimes my companion made me laugh, other times it made me think, and sometimes it would trigger the crying, but it never judged me or gave me advice that I wasn’t ready to hear.
Day 14: Today, I’m thankful for financial ruin. Okay, so I’m soooooo totally not thankful for financial ruin. But, I am thankful that I’m still here, regardless, and for the lessons that it has taught me. Like the fact that I don’t “need” the big house in the nice little historical district. And, I can live in and on far less than what I had before, although that is still a bitter pill to swallow at times. And, while love alone won’t pay the mortgage or the electric bill, it really doesn’t matter how much money you have or what kind of house you live in if the love you had in that house is ripped away. What was once our “home” immediately became just a “house” the moment he took his last breath in it, and while it holds great memories, some of the best memories of my life, it also now holds great sadness. While people may say the best way to go would be to die in your own home rather than in a hospital, and I suppose if you were surrounded by your loved ones, it would be, I still have a hard time viewing his death there as anything but tragic, dying alone in a room on the floor, while I’m on a plane nowhere near to help, and with Macy asleep across the house to have to awaken and find him alone. That day continues to run through my mind over and over, along with all of the “why” and “what if”questions. And then I also have to beat myself up for the lack of preparation for the situation I’m in now. We lived in the moment, and we lived well, but we clearly took it all for granted. He wasn’t invincible after all. While I would prefer to not have the financial struggle on top of dealing with his loss, I will somehow survive. And I will learn from my mistakes.
Day 15: I’m thankful for Facebook. It has allowed me to reconnect with old friends and to connect with new friends as well. I love being able to watch friends’ kiddos grow up, to see big news and accomplishments of others, and to be able to reach out to those that are struggling through difficult times as well. The support and encouragement I’ve received over the past 15+ months has been a priceless gift. It has truly helped me to survive the dark days and lonely nights. For so long, I just couldn’t be around anyone because I didn’t know if I could keep it together, and I didn’t want to be a complete mess around others. Facebook allowed me the opportunity to still feel human, to see that life was still going on, and to know that eventually my life would move forward as well. It means more to me than you could ever know to have received the kind words from so many of you, especially when I know everyone has their own struggles. I thank you all for being my friends. So, thank you, Facebook, for keeping us all connected. Besides, without Facebook, how on earth could Alonzo Cannon stalk me all the way from Los Angeles? There, Alonzo, you made my 30 Days of Thankfulness, are you happy now??!!
Day 16: I’m thankful that Facebook and a silly game of Words with Friends resulted in a reconnection with Brandon. He has taken away my loneliness and sense of dread about the future. It wasn’t anything I was looking for, but when it happened, it felt as natural and right as anything ever has in my life. There are some that may say this happened too soon after Richard died, but to me, he was and is a gift to both my life and to Macy’s. It takes a good man and a strong man to love a woman through pain over the loss of another man. There are days when he just has to sit quietly with me as I grieve over Richard, and I wonder how that really makes him feel. But he never complains or asks, “What about me?” He just loves me and wants me to be happy. Thank you, Brandon. I love you.
Day 17: I’m thankful for the importance that Mom has placed on family get-togethers. Although all of the requests can sometimes get to be annoying :), once we’re all there, it is worth it. Richard would always say, “Whose birthday is it this week?” But, he enjoyed the family get-togethers as much as anyone. And Mom always wants and welcomes everyone in our family, as well as friends, never excluding anyone and always welcoming more. Regardless of what is going on in everyone’s worlds, she just wants us all together. Without those family gatherings, my family would have missed out on so many laughs with Richard, like when he, Steve, Keith, Ty, Cade and Cole would play football out in the back yard, where Richard always had to “show ‘em how it’s done,” to one of our later gatherings, where Richard, after years of constantly teasing Steve about weight gain, all the while saying he was of course, “fit and trim,” asked Steve about his sore arm & hand, “Is that your pie eatin’ arm or your Coke drinkin’ arm?” Priceless.... Thank you, Mom, for helping to create these memories.
Day 18: I’m thankful that I’m starting to pick up on some of Mom’s cooking. Saturday, I was her only kitchen help (that was not so lucky for her!) for the makings of the day, which included two (2) main courses - turkey and ham (although she had these in the oven before I got up that morning), and nine (9) sides - dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, asparagus, corn, cranberry stuff (okay, I didn’t help her make this one or eat it!), and rolls. She had already made chicken & noodles, two (2) pumpkin pies and a pumpkin roll and was in the process of making an apple pie when I got there Friday night, then she proceeded to make Chocolate Sin and a coconut cream pie during all of the dinner making on Saturday, and even managed to throw in a tray of chocolate chip cookies for the kids, for a total of six (6) different desserts. While everyone was coming in, there were four (4) appetizers - shrimp & shrimp cocktail, a veggie tray, a ham & cream cheese ball with crackers, and chips & dip. And the only thing we burned was the second tray of rolls - but that’s a family tradition, we wouldn’t want to break tradition! And in the end, Kelley worked her dish washing magic, as always. She is the fastest dish washer I’ve ever seen, and always insists on doing them, she's awesome! It was a fun day in the kitchen. Thank you for another terrific holiday meal, Mom.
Day 19: I’m thankful to be looking forward to the Christmas season again this year. Although I’ll miss him every day for the rest of my life, the dark cloud has for the most part lifted, allowing for me to look forward to the future. Last year, I was counting the days until it was over, dreading every painful moment of it. Without Nichole, there probably would not have been any Christmas decorating in our house, but she put up a beautiful tree and set out decorations as a surprise to me and Macy, and brought some joy into the house of sadness. And then my friend, Bryn, had us over for Christmas Eve in between family gatherings and did everything possible to make our Christmas brighter. She then topped it off with Maroon 5 tickets on New Year’s Eve. I’m so thankful for everything they did for us to help us survive that first Christmas and New Year without Richard, and this doesn’t even begin to describe what they both did in the first weeks after his death, literally putting their own lives on hold for us. Thank you, Nichole H. and Bryn B. I love you.
Day 20: I’m thankful to have a place on the lake, even if only for a while. It has been very healing to wake up and look at a completely calm and still lake with the sun shining over it, and to sit out on the porch swings as the sun sets, or even to just glance out the window and see it. It has also helped me to look forward to holidays again, to get away from the sadness that hovered in my house. We have decorated for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and are about to start Christmas decorating. Thank you, Linda M., for opening your home up just for us to rent while you're away. I know that was not an easy decision and you did not have to do it, but it has been such a gift to us, and I will always be grateful for this time we are having here.
Day 21: I'm thankful that I've never had to work on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I've always felt for those that have to be away from their loved ones on holidays to make sure the rest of us have good holidays.
Day 22: The official day of giving thanks. I'm thankful for having such a large and loving family to have Thanksgiving with. We had a great afternoon at Uncle Don's & Aunt Erma's. I'm very blessed to have a family that will always have their doors, arms and hearts open for me and my girl.
Day 23: I'm thankful my girl still likes to cuddle with her Mommy, and still has nothing but toys on her Christmas wish list. I know it won't be long before she's too big for both. I won't be cool anymore, and her list will be replaced with nothing but cash, gift cards and clothes. I don't want these days to end, I just want to cuddle up with my girl forever.
Day 24: I'm thankful to have been welcomed into a new family, even if one in particular is trying his best to turn my girl into a redneck! Spending time with them feels as if we've been there all along. They have all made us feel as if we belong. It's a good feeling.
Day 25: While watching The X Factor the other night, I saw the story of a girl that lost her mother at 6 years old in a car accident on Christmas Eve, and it hit me, what if he had died on Macy's birthday instead of mine, or a holiday like Christmas? How difficult it would be for Macy to have to get through the rest of her birthdays or Christmases with that being the anniversary. So, I'm thankful he died on my birthday instead of hers. As awful as that was, and I'll never understand why it happened when and the way it did, it could have been multiplied by infinity.
Day 26: Although I'm really starting to feel the stress of not finding a job, and it has been really hard on my own sense of self worth, I'm thankful that I've had this time to be there with Macy, to be home for her after school each day last year and now, and to be with her all summer this past summer. It is time that can never be replaced, and I'm thankful for it. But, I'm really ready to say I'm thankful for a great job!!
Day 27: I'm beyond grateful for the enormous love and support of Richard's racetrack friends. I really have no idea how we would have made it without the generosity of his friends. They immediately came together and stepped in, gathering donations and holding a golf tourney last year and this year as well. It has been a humiliating and humbling position to be in to have to accept this generosity, but what a gift to have such wonderful people in our lives. I sincerely believe that you are who you surround yourself with, and Richard was surrounded by greatness. You will never know how truly grateful I am for your love and support. You have saved us in so many ways, and I know Richard would be so proud that he called you his friends. "Thank you" will never be enough, but I thank you, thank you, thank you.
Day 28: I'm thankful that I've been humbled enough to talk about my insecurities and mistakes. Just talking about them has lifted some giant weights, and it has caused me to really think things through, which will hopefully help me not to make the same mistakes in the future as well as to help me to push through some of the fears.
I'm not sure that you're left with many other options than to admit to these things and deal with them when you've hit rock bottom with regard to both love and financial losses. I guess you can just pretend everything is okay, or you can hide from the world entirely, but that won't work for long. And I owe my daughter more than that. I think "life coping skills" are a great deal more "nature" than "nurture." She's already shown she's a survivor twice in her short lifetime, and she did that primarily from within her own self, but I owe it to her to show her that we can do more than just survive things, we can survive things well. Maybe the "well" part doesn't come fast or easy, and we aren't exactly there yet, but it can eventually be. I'm so thankful that I was blessed with a naturally kind and gentle child. That's the nature part kicking in, because she’s always been kind and gentle, even as a toddler, and I wish I could take credit for that, but I think that came primarily from her Dad. Well, the kindness, maybe not the gentleness! But I have learned the importance of kindness over time, and I know that I can nurture that kindness and gentleness in her to remain within her no matter what life throws at her. I can nurture a spirit to never give up, no matter how things are going, and to never throw dreams or people or anything away just because things are painful or hard, that she should survive well and keep moving forward no matter what. This includes doing the things are hard or that we don't want to do. Right now, for her, that is riding the bus. Someday she'll realize I was actually a better mother for making her ride the bus and get to school on time rather than taking her myself and allowing her to be late. She will have survived the bus riding era well. Someday.... Hopefully..... :)
Day 29: I'm thankful that I now enjoy reading. After law school and several years thereafter of reading legal crap (yes, crap), it's nice to escape into a book. I'm years behind the reading hot list curve, and I'm not the fastest reader, but I'm enjoying catching up at my own pace and leisure. Right now I'm reading "The Help." Told ya I was behind. "Got to be the worst place in the world, inside a oven. You in here, you either cleaning or you getting cooked." Good stuff. Maybe soon I'll get to watch the movie. Once I'm done with the book....
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